i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
