She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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