you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
