just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
