Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Is it penis luge time yet?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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