i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
