i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
3 2 1 whiskey
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
