I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
