I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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