I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
