Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
