Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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