So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
