This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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