i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
