Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
