Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
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You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
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for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?