if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
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Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I smell like Dick and happiness