The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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