Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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