he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
