Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
