Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.