I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.