God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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