If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
