she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
