he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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