his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
