Three words: puerto rican gang bang
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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