I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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