Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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