mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
