Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
