dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dear god my vagina.
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