he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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