Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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