Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
