I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
