At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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