Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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