Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
