My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
