Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
