Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
