Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
it's like iHOP with fire
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
