As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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