its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
