I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Randomize
