Just fell off a train. Bad.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm getting married
To pizza
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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