I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
