Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
