We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
