I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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