it's too hot outside to masturbate.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
