nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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